Dropping Out As I Move Ahead

I am a Grief Group dropout. I won’t have anyone singing a song about me dropping out. I won’t become a thug and join some gang while greasing back my hair. I won’t even become part of a statistic. But I am one, a Grief Group dropout, and it’s actually an okay thing for me […]

The Happening

It happened. It wasn’t a surprise. In fact, I expected it to happen. It had been a while since it happened and I wonder when it would happen again. Only, every time it happens, I am left spent and frustrated and in disbelief. Just because you expect something doesn’t mean it’s welcomed or even honored. […]

Restlessness

There is a restlessness growing inside me. It encourages me to keep on, even when my spirit is questioned. It warns me to avoid too frequent of glances backward less I will trip on what’s ahead of me. It reminds me of my reality often with a shrug of ‘okay, so now what’. And it […]

14 Month Letter To Him

Tonight, as I think about 14 months without Peter, I write a letter to him. Dear Peter,       So, this happened. You, dead. Me, still alive. Even after 14 months, I’m still in shock. I still cried about you, often. The tears still flow out of me during unexpected times and expected ones. I don’t […]

Letting Go of the Old Me

On a widow’s social media group, this question was posed – do you miss the person you were when your spouse was alive? Heavy question and one I contemplated all day yesterday. The easy and quick answer seems to be hell, yeah, I miss her. Obviously, if I was still that person, it would mean […]

Good Grief…Group

I started a grief support group last week. I wasn’t ready to start one right after Peter died. It would pain me to even mention his name, let alone share anything about him, me, us. I did what I thought was best for me – avoidance and being alone.During that time, I probably relied too […]

Trauma Didn’t Let Me Sleep Last Night

Trauma. I’ve always associated it with military veterans, citizens of war-torn countries, those living in high-crime area, abuse victims, and people who are around a lot of deaths like ER personnel. In my life, I always thought I couldn’t name this in me. I was a support staff person all my day job life, an […]

Visions on a Board

I finally got around to my vision board. I did one in 2019 and I wanted to do one in 2020. I don’t see it as magical. Not at all. I see it as my acknowledgement to the Universe about my focus in life, what I would like and need to accomplish. Like my vision […]

My Now Status in Life

I came across a dilemma the other day. Should I change my status to widow on Facebook? I know. I know. I don’t have to do anything, especially in Facebooklandia. And I don’t really want to attract trolls by changing my status, which seems to be a thing in Facebooklandia, or so other widows have […]

Last night….

Last night, I felt utterly and completely alone. See, nighttime is the loneliest for me. It’s when the world quiets, my memories grow louder in my head, and I ache for him. Silence is not only deafening, it strums out a song of longing in my being. Yesterday night, I sat in disbelief, still, after […]