What Until I Tell Peter….

“What until I tell Peter…” Oh right. There is no Peter. “I have to remember to show Peter…” Can’t. Peter is dead. “Peter will really think this is…” Nope. He won’t think anything because he is gone. “I am so mad at our son and Peter has to…” Well, Peter doesn’t have to do anything […]

Daughter and Me Time

There is comfort in the familiar. Time spent with the ones who know you so completely, even vegging on bad reality TV, is a pleasure. There is a tranquil feeling while surrounded by unconditional love,  or communicating without talking. There is a certain feeling of peace, even among the most mundane of tasks. There is […]

I Wish

I wish… 1). …I didn’t have to see couples, especially aging couples. They remind me of what will never be, what can’t be, what I want to be.  Their comfort silence, their laughter at inside jokes built on years of togetherness, their squeezes of hands and the worry wrinkling on their faces when the other […]

My Quiet Valentine

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. It hit me with a blizzard of emotions, pushing me back on my knees, asking yet again, “why is he gone” and “how can this be happening to me”.  Of course there weren’t any answers. They’re never are. I was actually kind of surprised by Valentine’s impact. I mean, Peter and […]

Flip Flopper with Baggage

I am what the UK calls a flip-flopper. I change my mind all the time, constantly actually.  Not my opinions. Oh, no. Anyone who knows me, knows I am strong in my opinions. What make me a flip-flopper is because, well, I’m not good with sticking with decisions. Actually,  I’m becoming great at changing my […]

Taxes, Wills and Pride

Well, I did accomplished another thing without him yesterday. I went to the accountant to start my taxes, and then to a lawyer to redo my will. A lot has changed since I saw both, obviously, and, well, I cried at both. I cried at the accountant because everything seemed so surreal. I was talking […]

She Remembers Him

She sat there, her shock of grey hair peeping out from the back of the wheelchair which has now become part of her being. I maneuvered my way to her back table, smiling at the other residents and saying passing “I know”‘s  to the staff who commented, always comment, on my strong resemblance to her. […]