Becoming Changed

I haven’t written a blog post in a while. That’s most likely a good sign, a great one. It might mean I’ve grown stronger, less emotional about Peter’s death, less reliant on getting my feelings out there to share, maybe even less in need of comfort or reassurance. It may mean I am seeing beyond […]

Boredom

I told a friend this morning how bored I’ve become lately. With the boredom, comes lack of motivation to do anything. As the time spent in COVID grows old, so does living without Peter. He used to be my amusement, the answer to the question of ‘what do you want to do’, the ear to […]

On the Eve Of….

On the eve of my wedding anniversary, our anniversary, I think about the things I miss about you, us, our marriage. The simple things, the deep things, the routine things. All of them. I think of all that I miss about you. I miss your smile. The way the light reached your eyes and wrinkles […]

Birthday Rock and Wishes

Celebrations aren’t the same since Peter died. They take on an almost eerie quality. I go through the motions, yet I know, he’s missing. I know the celebration is not as full. I know an emptiness exists even with the fullest of laughter. I know he is not part of them anymore, nor ever will […]

The Monsters in Me

She came to visit, the Green Monster dormant in me, the one who roars when I see a couple together, hear about a friend’s plans with his/her spouse, know the weekend will be spent just the two of them. She came yesterday, and I am trying to get rid of her, but it is is […]

Dropping Out As I Move Ahead

I am a Grief Group dropout. I won’t have anyone singing a song about me dropping out. I won’t become a thug and join some gang while greasing back my hair. I won’t even become part of a statistic. But I am one, a Grief Group dropout, and it’s actually an okay thing for me […]

The Happening

It happened. It wasn’t a surprise. In fact, I expected it to happen. It had been a while since it happened and I wonder when it would happen again. Only, every time it happens, I am left spent and frustrated and in disbelief. Just because you expect something doesn’t mean it’s welcomed or even honored. […]

Restlessness

There is a restlessness growing inside me. It encourages me to keep on, even when my spirit is questioned. It warns me to avoid too frequent of glances backward less I will trip on what’s ahead of me. It reminds me of my reality often with a shrug of ‘okay, so now what’. And it […]

14 Month Letter To Him

Tonight, as I think about 14 months without Peter, I write a letter to him. Dear Peter,       So, this happened. You, dead. Me, still alive. Even after 14 months, I’m still in shock. I still cried about you, often. The tears still flow out of me during unexpected times and expected ones. I don’t […]

Letting Go of the Old Me

On a widow’s social media group, this question was posed – do you miss the person you were when your spouse was alive? Heavy question and one I contemplated all day yesterday. The easy and quick answer seems to be hell, yeah, I miss her. Obviously, if I was still that person, it would mean […]