Yes, I’m late today. I couldn’t get myself in motion. I was even going to write about my Tribe today, but I am having a hard time concentrating. Today, I am exhausted mind, body, and soul. I am exhausted because I just can’t deal with all the fighting I have to do with insurance companies, with social security, with, well, it’s a long list. Part of it is on me. There are things that can wait, yet waiting is not me. I’ve lost a lot of me when Peter died, but some things remained, and impatience is one of them. And today, from all the fights, I’ve been knocked down.
I’ll admit, I’m lying on the mat and I could stay down. I could lay in my bed all day and no one would blame me. Yet for me, the only thing that accomplishes is a sore hip and back. I could let the house go, not make phone calls, let the finances go, walk around with a stench from lack of showers/hair washings, and eat ice cream bars all day as I stare into space. I could. I really could. Yet there is a spirit in me pushing me to move, to act. It’s the spirit of my husband keeping me from that eight count. It’s holding off the angst of seeing, feeling and smelling all those things. It’s the knowing I have to keep moving. And it’s my kids and my incredible tribe of terrific women that keep me from defeat, from whiffing the smelling salt.
I was thinking of seeing my beloved mother today. My family members tell me she understands Peter died, at least she did yesterday. She also thinks she attended the memorial services, which she did not, could not. It doesn’t stop her from retelling stories as if she were. I know she loved Peter, very much. I know, in her own way, in her own mind, she misses him. A mom hug would be wonderful today, or at any point. Yet I know it would also mean battling with my disappointment of not being what she can be for me, and with the impatience of her real-to-her stories. I will settle for being kind to myself which means avoiding any battles and giving in to my exhaustion, today.
Still searching for peace in all of this, and wishing you peace in your nows.