Discovery Has Been…

img_0551So how is my apartment Discovery going for me? Well, I have some thoughts on that this…THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY. Okay, I haven’t done this consistently, but today, I’m bringing it back. (Next, I will bring back my rat’s tail of many colors, and my John Lennon glasses. Oh, you just wait.) And here I go.

Discovery has been…

1). …a place of respite. At Discovery, I am able to stay still in my grief and because of my stillness, my senses recognize my soul’s feelings. I hear and feel its pain, its loneliness, its gratitude, and its despair. I see my hope and am touched by its beautiful views of Chicago, the city of my heart.  I feel Peter with me at times when I least expect, not always the times I want. It’s sometimes painful to be here, at Discovery. Respite can be lonely. Yet, growth is painful and I must go through the pain to get another side. What side? How will it look? I have no idea.

2)….a place of solitude. I speak very little at Discovery. The peace of silence helps me during my reflections about where I’ve been, where I am and where I am going. Sometimes, that silence is deafening and hurts my heart. Most times, I know it is needed in order to really listen. And yes, in the solitude of Discovery, I cry and scream and weep and mourn and afterward, I feel some healing…if just for a moment, I feel a little bit healed.  And I forever feel changed.

3). …a place of challenges. Since being at Discovery, I face down some difficult situations. I look at my anxiety and said, “okay, come on with me”.  I bat away negativity as much as I can, and yet even when I’m stung, I keep on going. I keep on going with my solo act despite the stage freight. And I pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue when Grief pushes me down. I meet the challenges, sometimes with grace, sometimes with bitchiness, sometimes with fear, sometimes with anger, but I meet them. And challenges fly at me like birds in a bad Hitchcock movie at every turn as I start part of my life over at Discovery.

4)…a place of being in my own head. Now my head is a busy place. Most recently, a trained professional I see suggested I have ADD. She probably confirmed what I already knew. And sometimes, for me anyway, I need to slow down my multiple racing thoughts and let what’s trying to get to the forefront, get there. And sometimes, it’s painful to process those thoughts because they’re real. Reality sucks for me right now. And sometimes, it brings me to a place of understanding. All the time, it is necessary and I welcome them…until I think of another great story plot. My brain can only stay still for a short time, you know.

5). …a place my creativity flows. I haven’t written as much as I wanted at Discovery. Some days, I feel nothing but despair and that’s a hard way to write Romcom (Romance Comedy). And as I’ve said before, Peter was my muse. I haven’t fully resurrected a new one. Perhaps Chicago will fill that role. Until then though, I have created this blog. I have done some crappy writing. I’ve done some good writing. I’m forever thinking about my story which is a huge step from where I was four or five months ago when I only saw it in the rearview mirror on my life. I’m also working on a website, finally, and I’m listening to talks, watching documentaries, writing serious emails to friends. So while my book hasn’t really benefited from the flow of my creativity, I have grown in this department. One of my friends suggested perhaps my Romcom writing has to take a break to let the other writing come through. Maybe she’s right. I just have to convince my characters I need a break from them. We shall see. For now, I’m liking the feel of the flow.

6). …is a place for freedom. In the home Peter and I made, I feel restricted in my movement. The memories and the largeness of the empty home paralyze me sometimes.  It is a lovely home, a once loving one, but not mine anymore. It was Peter, mine and the kids, never just mine.  Now with Peter dead, the kids making their own homes, it’s broken apart. I don’t like to live among its scattered memories, however beautiful and warm and wonderful. It’s like moving on from a vacation. There is a time where you have to go and face your reality. And now is my time.  And this is my reality. At Discovery, I have the freedom to figure out my next move, to make choices based on me. I have the freedom to create whatever I want to create. Sometimes, it can be scary and sad and lonely as hell. And then there are moments where butterflies dance in my belly from all the possibilities. Either way, I know, I must move on and Discovery gives me the freedom to figure out where and how.

7)….a place where I am becoming my own best friend. I should have always been, but truth be told, I took me for granted.  Yet, in these past few months, I have learned, in the end, it is only you. You come into this world alone. You leave it alone. When Peter died, with him died my true best friend, my confidant, my person who was there for me even when, what seemed like an entire world, turned against me.  Now? Well, now, all I have is myself. And really, I should have always lived like I only had myself. Not that I shouldn’t have let Peter be my touchstone, rather, I should have been my own. It comes down to me. And now, in the solitude, during my solo act, I am getting to know the person I am stuck with for the rest of my life. I am starting to like how she thinks. I am giving her the courage to say ‘it’s okay’, or, ‘be gentle’, or ‘go as fast or slow as you want’. I am learning how to let her lead, even on a shaky cliff, because I have confidence she’ll get back up again if she falls off. And I am starting to be okay with her, maybe even dig her a little bit. And I really should stop referring to myself in the third person.  But seriously, I am becoming better acquainted with myself in Discovery, and it ain’t all that bad.

Discovery is helping me to heal, to grief, to feel my feels, to birth the me I have to become without Peter.  Oh sure, there are times where I am repelled by Discovery because it makes me look at all I have ahead of me, without me. And I am drawn to Discovery because it makes me look at all I have ahead of me, with me. In the end, I am always thankful because Discovery has been…