I sobbed yesterday. I sobbed because the house is emptied out, and because I felt empty. I sobbed because I don’t know how to live in the place we once called home. I sobbed because the house doesn’t feel like anything now but a building I sit in. I sobbed because I eventually, and I know not soon, I will have to figure out how and where to start again. I sobbed because, even with slowing my roll, I do have to get there and I don’t know where the hell there is. And I sobbed yesterday because this, all of this, falls on me alone and no one understands it, not really, because I am the one living without Peter.
I sobbed yesterday because the infinite amount of choices that lay ahead of me, and I don’t know how to grab them. I sobbed because I don’t know which choices to grab. I sobbed because I am so tired of people telling me “you’ll know when it’s right”, and “take your time”, and “it’s all so new”, and “one day at time/baby steps”. I sobbed because, sometimes, I can’t hold back my frustration shouting out “taking time and waiting is painful so stop preaching tolerance to me”. I sobbed because allowing the Universe/God to somehow open up, and give me those ‘yes, this is right moments’ never settles me. I sobbed because normalcy is what I long for, even one without Peter, yet I am still on this constant ride to nowhere. I sobbed because I just want people to f-ing listen to me without telling me how I should act or what will eventually happen, especially those who don’t know this journey. And I sobbed because I don’t want to be made to feel bad or wrong some how for wanting an end point.
I sobbed yesterday because I am alone in all of this. I sobbed because I wake up, spend my day, and say goodnight to myself, by myself. I sobbed because the emptiness of an apartment, of a house, surrounds me every day. I sobbed because I once had someone who was in my space but is suddenly forever gone, and I never wanted it or decided it or had closure on it. I sobbed because it’s eleven and half fucking months and I ache like I did when he first died only now I am better at living with it. I sobbed because I am better at living with it. And I sobbed yesterday because even with the smile I strangle out of me, even with the perception of strength, even with the moving on, I am still hurting and people forget, I am still hurting.
I sobbed yesterday because my dog sat on my lap while I cried, until a fly caught his interest and he jumped off. I sobbed because, like the dog, people’s lives are distracted by things flying by them, especially the world as it is now, while I sit and sob about my own realty. I sobbed because that is the way of the world, the way it happens and it’s unfair. I sobbed because there were people who never cared, still don’t care and won’t ever care. I sobbed because of the people who never told me they cared or were cruel to me during my weakest moments with their words. And I sobbed yesterday because so many people do care and will always care and I love them all for it.
I sobbed yesterday because the pent up anger, frustration, sadness, agony, and loneliness I carry around with me every day chokes me, every day. I sobbed because all I carry can’t be shared with anyone when I want to, when I need to, when the time is now. I sobbed because Peter was the now and then, the here and now, for me. I sobbed because I am a widow and with that is the inability to ever be his wife, here on earth. And I sobbed yesterday because feeling and hearing are two different things and I don’t know, really know, will never know, if Peter hears me, and especially, because I don’t hear him.
I sobbed yesterday because I was in the swells of self-pity. I sobbed because I drown in loathing the self-centered person I’ve become, the self-centered person I never wanted to be. I sobbed because Grief has robbed me of who I once was and Alone makes it hard to see who I am now, who I will become. I sobbed because of all the good people in my life and I see the blessings in all of them. And I sobbed yesterday, because in spite of them, even with them, I feel defeated.
This morning, as the sun lightens a new day with new possibilities, I know I have a day of cleaning ahead of me. I have a day of moving boxes in their rightful spots and organizing. I have a day of walks with Barkley and writing of words. And I have a day full of thought, of feeling all over again with a hope this day the sobs will be less or gone, and I can push better through it all. But yesterday, yesterday I sobbed because it was a bad day and I needed to.