Starting Over, Again

I have to start over. At fifty-eight, the age most people are settled in comfortably with their lives and secure on who they are, I have no choice but to begin again. Yes, I have a foundation to build on, one a bit eroded from compulsiveness and egocentric behavior from my years of living in […]

Day 206, And Still Impatient

I’ve never been a patient person. (Audible gasp deafens Illinois.) Those who know me can tell you story after story of my impatience since birth. My mother told the story of my delivery countless times. She gave this visual of me hanging out between her legs as she shuffled to the delivery table. In a […]

It All Flu In

Being sick is its own loneliness. In the nighttime, when parts of your world has gone asleep, it’s just you, trapped in your thoughts, muddled with fever and whatever else sickness brings. It’s a state of confusion brought on by a high temperature and waves of nausea attacking in unsuspecting battles with your body. You […]

Maybe…I Think I Can

I had a dream last night about Peter. I dreamed he was still alive. He ‘died’ for fifteen minutes, but then, miraculously, sprang back to life. I dreamed we went on with life, with me explaining to his family this was a miracle, and Peter, in his always unassuming way,  scoffed at my suggestion by […]

Life Goes On…For Others

Over the weekend, my phone chimed with messages and buzzed with phone calls about three times.  My sister called to check in on me. I had a nice, long conversation with my sis-in-law/friend, and my daughter called. Texts were volleyed back and forth between my kids and me. My son’s text short and direct, and […]

Dancing with Grief, Again

This morning, I’m waltzing my way backwards in this widowhood. My partner, Grief, has glided me to the part of the floor which is sad, and lonely, and desperate once more. I was doing great for awhile. Five days in a row I didn’t even cry. I even felt giddiness while I wrote, while I […]

Statistically Speaking, I’m Doing Okay

  1 in 600 widowers, and 1 in 2300 widows commit suicide within the first year after their spouse dies.  I found it shocking these suicide rates are higher than the rate among the youth in America -14.6 per 100,000.  Nobody talks about suicide rate among surviving spouses. At least I’ve never heard even a […]