Silent Loneliness

I never imagined the pained of the loneliness I am in. Even going into the second year, that has not subsided. The other parts – the longing for him, lack of intimacy, the making decisions of my own, the pit forming every time I see or hear couples doing things, the not being able to […]

The Eulogy

I’m not going to lie. It was a tough week. Getting through the first year mark, experiencing his favorite holiday without him and having my daughter here for a week then leave…a tough, tough week. BUT, one I did get through. Today is the last of the year mark. A year ago today was the […]

Happy Independence to Us All

Happy Independence Day! Peter loved the 4th. He dug the parades, the beer tent volunteering with me and bumping into people in our small town’s festivities. He adored sound and beauty of fireworks. Above all, he loved, LOVED, loved being together as a family. He held the excitement of a child on Christmas because the […]

The Day After

I pretended the outside world didn’t exist yesterday. My phone pinged with texts, phone calls and messages via Facebook. Most knew I wasn’t responding. All didn’t want a response. They were sending simple “I’m thinking of you today.” I had flowers delivered and put on my doorstep. Friends offered meals. And there were pictures of […]

On the Eve Of…

Tomorrow will be the one year mark of Peter’s death. I am writing this today because I fear tomorrow will be too painful to move, let alone write. So, as the first year without Peter closes, here is what I know. I would have not made it without my friends and some family who are […]

Weekend Nights Are Not Alright…for Anything

It started again. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. The explosion of loneliness ignited when the weekend comes. Even during COVID when days tend to blend together, loneliness hits me more on Friday and Saturday nights. The reason is obvious. Those were Peter and me nights. Even if we didn’t go anywhere, do anything, […]

Our House No Longer My Home

Today, I’m getting down and dirty….with my house. I am going to start to pack up and clean and pack up and clean some more. After spending two days last week ugly crying with the hiccups that follows such cries, I know I am done here. I am done with this house. From the beginning […]

Happy Father’s Day, Peter

And so another pain pokes at me at the start of this first Father’s Day weekend without. Every year, I celebrated Peter’s greatness as a father. He was kind, and fun, and gentle, and wise, and patient, and loving to his children. He gave to our kids what I couldn’t, and he stepped aside for […]

I Sobbed Yesterday

I sobbed yesterday. I sobbed because the house is emptied out, and because I felt empty. I sobbed because I don’t know how to live in the place we once called home. I sobbed because the house doesn’t feel like anything now but a building I sit in. I sobbed because I eventually, and I […]

More Lessons Learned, Alone

I went to my apartment Discovery for a few days. I preach safety and consideration in these days of COVID, and those are the reasons I came here. See, between the junk haulers coming last week, and the people in to repair the never-ending fix of my burst pipes pre-COVID, I had to let the […]