Eleven Months

So where do I start? Where do I begin to tell you how life these past eleven months without you have changed? There is the obvious of COVID19. Then of course there are protests and riots happenings and I miss you. I miss your calm during the chaos. I miss your logical during the nonsensical. […]

Alone, While He Soars

I took Barkley for a walk yesterday. We walked on the path by the wetlands in back of my house. It’s my time with Peter. I talk to him there as it holds so many memories – a shortcut to the school my children attended, the path he helped build, the prairie he helped maintain, […]

Aging Myself

Widow. A word that holds so much weight. I conjure ups image of little old ladies in orthopedic shoes. I think of the grey-haired widows from old movies who were miserable and beloved by their gangster sons. I think of my grandma, with her day dresses, big bosoms, and walking with a cane as she […]

Fear of Without Him

Sometimes, I forget. Not often and when I do, the time is so small, it may have beaten a wink. Still, I do…forget that I am alone. Most times, I don’t forget at all. Most times, I carry it with me like extra weight ready to be shed, only I know the impossibility of it, […]

Learning New Moves

Am I getting used to this? Am I growing accustomed to having Peter absent from my life? I still wake up every morning thinking on how much I miss him in my life, how he won’t be there again today. I go to bed every night applauding myself for making it another day without him. […]

Nap Time

It happened during a nap this morning. During the time straddled between deep sleep and light, enough to refresh but not to cause dreams. He was there. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and when he would withdraw, I pulled him in closer. When I snuggled in, he pulled me in deeper. “I miss […]

Thanks, My Ancestors Appreciate It

I hit fifty followers yesterday, an amount so humbling to me. I mean, wow. You know, I started this blog as a way to put into words who I was and what I was going through as a widow. They are the same reasons I continue the blog. It is raw. It is honest. It […]

A Mother’s Day Done

It wasn’t going to be a good day. I felt it from the minute I woke up with a pit in my stomach reminding me a shit day has begun. It didn’t help there was no sun out, only rain on a damp, cold morning matching the mood I was already in. It didn’t help […]

Honest Talk With My Self

I won’t lie to you. I’m not a liar, especially to you. You know me too well to even try. And well, here it is, what we’ve both been thinking. I know I am a one-dimensional person lately, dipping more into that dimension the longer the Pandemic goes on. I am a person angst about […]

Ten Months

This is a hard day. It’s a day I saw from the distance and thought, I can’t wait until. I couldn’t wait until my pain lessened and I could move without agony. I couldn’t wait until I started to live rather than survive, laugh more than cry. I couldn’t wait until the shock of it […]